headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize