i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize