My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
