I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
