Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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