I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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