Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
