I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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