Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
