Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
