The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
