i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i need an iv and a liver transplant
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize