I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
