I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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