My underwear smells like fireworks.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm getting married
To pizza
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
