Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
