so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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