"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
