I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
