Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
