I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
