so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
