Swine flu is the new snow day.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
