Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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