Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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