i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
