i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
