I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
