I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
