plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
