So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
