There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
