I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
