Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So. Much. Porn.
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