Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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