There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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