shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
