just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
