Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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