his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
