She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
