Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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