I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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