Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize