i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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