so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
