What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
