so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
