The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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