Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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