Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
