pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
im six kinds of drunk right now
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
