I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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